New Calgary Driving Rules
Apparently there are some new driving rules in Calgary. Just wanted to keep you posted.
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name properly. It is pronounced: Cal-gree not Cal-gary
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 AM to Noon. The evening rush hour is from Noon to 8:00 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On Deerfoot Trail, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing. Anything less, is considered Wussy.
4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Calgary now has its own version of traffic rules. For example - At a four-way stop, car/trucks with the loudest muffler go first. Trucks with the biggest tires go second. SUV-driving, cell-phone talking moms from the Hamptons ALWAYS have the right of way.
5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that could get you shot.
7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Calgary. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished; and more construction begins each day.
8. Watch carefully for road hazards and/or road kill, such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, and coyotes, and any animal, bird or other, that may be feeding on them.
9. If someone actually has their turn signal ON, wave them over to the nearest shoulder immediately, to let them know that it has accidentally been activated.
10. If you are in the left lane, and only driving 110 kph in a 80 - 90 kph zone, you are considered to be a road hazard, and will be flipped off accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot.
11. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have, in your vehicle, a shovel, some candles, food and blankets, as snow removal from the streets in Calgary is virtually non-existent until the Spring Thaw.
12. And remember - 16th Ave NW, the Trans Canada, and Hwy #1, are all the same road.
[tags]humor, jokes, Calgary, Driving[/tags]
