Over valuing others opinions of your thoughts and actions will make you unhappy. If you’re a nice person, people pleasing comes naturally. But that’s an “anxiety recipe” for failure and here’s why.
If you’re always trying to please people you’ll do things that you don’t want to do. We could wrap it up right there. But first let’s understand the problem and then get some solutions.
People pleasers do things in the hopes that others will be happy with them. They hope for some sort of gratitude, pay, appreciation or positive comment. The catch is that inside, they’re dying a little bit, all the time.
Because they hang on a hook of anticipation and anxiety.
We should base our actions on the intrinsically happy feeling it gives. Not others reactions, kickbacks or praise. All else is a lost cause. If you wouldn’t do it anonymously, don’t do it at all.
People often will not appreciate your sacrifices. Then you’ll feel bitter because of it. But only if you were looking for acknowledgement.
It’s like holding the door open for somebody. But then they walk through without saying thank you. And you get angry. Why? Because you held the door open hoping to get a kickback. An emotional dopamine kick or something that would make you feel worthy. Like you were doing a good job and useful.
You need to get to the point where you do your own thing and don’t care what your own wife thinks of you.
That statement can cause shock. But it’s often those closest to us that we are the most eager to please. Some take advantage of that.
Do you still care what your mom or your dad thinks of you? Or your children?
Have any of those people ever tried to use guilt to manipulate you?
Freedom comes when you are 100% solid that what you’re doing is right and you’re being the person that you want to be. When people can come to you and tell you you’re an asshole and you’re okay with it, then you’re free.
People get angry when they don’t get what they want. And they get angry with you when you’re the obstacle.
When you’re tugged by others opinions, you’re locked in a mental cage. It’s a constant state of anxiety to guess others demands. They’re judgement is the key to your cage. So you’re powerless.
They will control your thoughts and actions until you become self-confident.
Your kids will always want what they want. Your wife wants things her way. So does your boss. Your parents have a desire to see you do what they think is best.
What about your opinions and desires? Why do THEY, trump YOU?
We are all trapped in our brains. We’re all thinking, “What should I do here? What would make them happy?”
This is why you must become the judge of your own life and actions. Go from being graded to being the grader. Drop the people pleasing and the anxiety that comes with it.
Make your mission your first priority and self-confidence your master skill.
Decide what’s right and wrong for you, or be stuck in decision making purgatory. Stop basing your actions on what’s going on around you and what public opinion is, what other people think.
You’ll have your mind set and someone chimes in and you think, “Well yeah, I suppose that’s right too.”
Then you go against your gut. Then later you’re pissed with yourself because what they said turned out to be wrong. Or, wrong for you.
You knew it. And you went against yourself. You were swayed by opinion. That’s what the judgment means. Once you feel like you know what’s right about something, stick with it.
You can be wrong. That’s fine. It’s as easy as saying, “I was wrong.” That doesn’t actually feel that bad. “Hey. You were wrong about this.” “Yeah. Yeah, I was.”
But you know what sucks? When you were right and you let some other person sway you in a different direction.
Now that we see the link between people pleasing and anxiety, let’s look at how to stop being a people pleaser.
Supporting Information:
“When passivity and people pleasing take a toll. Confrontation dread is a state of apprehension and anxiety about speaking up. This can lead to anxiety and relationship distress.”