People-pleasers want to be well-liked and feel needed, appreciated, and valuable. Who doesn’t? But this leads to a lack of confidence and independent thinking. It leaves us trying to predict others’ wants. Often, the people-pleaser doesn’t even recognize they default to these behaviors. But they still worry about disapproval and feel guilty all the time. It’s become the default.
People-pleasers do things for two groups of reasons, first, in the hopes that others will be happy with them. Second, so people won’t be mad at them and hurt them physically or emotionally. They hope for gratitude, pay, appreciation, or a positive comment. They hope for peace without conflict, even if it means putting their desires aside. The catch is that inside, they’re dying a little bit all the time.
They hang on a hook of anticipation and anxiety.
This anxiety amplifies when they contemplate voicing their thoughts or feelings. IE Confrontation DREAD.
High levels of self-confidence require you to take complete control of your programming. This includes turning negative self-talk into positive. Ensure that what you allow into your mind is consistent with the things you want and the person you want to be. And stay vigilant to keep out all other influences.
People like others that are passive, supportive, and submissive. But this can only continue so long until a predator comes. We must be able to turn off and on certain traits as required.
We do this by learning to control consciousness.
Competition is a way of deciding who gets the prize. Sometimes prizes can be split, but not always. Everyone doesn’t always get enough. Sometimes there is only one position, pay raise, or bottle of water to be had.
The world can’t always be NICE. It can be fair and kind. But we make hard decisions daily. You must decide who gets to go through the door first.
Conformity to niceness and banishment of hate is a fool’s errand. People can all agree to an evil agenda under the guise of false good. Someone has to hate hate and fight evil. There need to be sheepdogs to stand up to wolves.
We must have a far edge to counteract the lemmings heading in the wrong direction. Those with edge serve as voices of warning. The alternate viewpoint causes disgust and revulsion at first. But when the level bubble tilts too far, it is the only way to center it.
So what is right and wrong? This is why we need viewpoints. We work to make conscious decisions instead of default behaviors.
Deciding to put yourself first feels foreign for the people-pleaser.
There will be opposition when you decide to take the last piece of bread on the table. Because someone usually wants that piece. More so when they find out someone else wants it. This is life.
Power decides who gets what when two people desire the same things.
Freely displayed kindness is a choice but never enforced. Else it has converted itself to its extreme opposite, another master.
So in controlling our consciousness, we actively decide when to help someone. We choose our actions and level of assertiveness instead of it being a reflex.
In closing, I leave one tip to act upon to stop being a people-pleaser. It is this: Change your mental self-talk. Starting with, “I have to…”
When this comes up, realize that you always have a choice as long as you are willing to deal with the consequences. You never HAVE TO.
If you feel anxious, angry, or frustrated about something, check to see if some sort of “Have to” is in your thoughts. The obligation in opposition to our true desires and intents, is often found in people-pleasing.
Take a hard look at that “Have to.” It’s an expectation of you. It could be self-imposed or from someone else. Maybe someone lashed out at you in the past when you didn’t meet their demands. Now your default is pleasing others to avoid those experiences again.
When this happens, we work on our assertiveness. We expect the same respect and personal power that others take for granted from us. It starts by looking at our self-talk. Turn the “I can’t,” “I should,” and “Have to” into a personal conversation with open options. Right now, it’s an imaginary obligation that’s holding you captive with anxiety.
Supporting Study:
Self-talk can enhance self-confidence and reduce cognitive anxiety